These fields of dreams, engulfed in flames

I always hear, "Would your inner child be proud of where you are?” 

After much thought, I am proud to say she would not…

Over the last 12 months, I went through the biggest change I have gone through thus far. Not a physical one, though in some ways it was, but an emotional and mental change. One that had been building for a long time, almost as long as the dream itself. At many points in this battle, I thought about just going forward, other times, I thought about going back, and sometimes I even thought about giving up completely. I felt as if cloud nine turned into free-falling and I did not know where I would land but I did and it’s safe and I am glad I took that leap. This was the day I realized this dream I had been building since the age of 3, was not the one for me, not anymore.

Moments of doubt had been sowed in by others since I was young. Those with questions, and concerns, some with good intentions, and those who didn’t believe I’d make it there. And for a long time, I hesitated to write about this, afraid I’d prove them right. But I see now how absolutely treacherous it is to myself to not share my experience all because of a few people. So here it is, the three-year-old version of myself created a dream in that I grew to love and so did all those around me. I was praised for it, for all the hard work that went into it, and for the dedication. I thoroughly enjoyed all I got to witness and I had reasons for this dream, the ones that came with personal connections, and the ones that came with wanting to better the world. I have the grades, the courses, the countless letters of recommendation, the support, the test scores, the experience, and I have the drive. But I have something else, something that puts the rest of all the previously mentioned into a contradiction, I have clarity. 

This did not come in any course catalog, on an exam, or even in advice. This was something I had to find for myself, I had to find it in sitting with myself. I had to ask the hard questions, place myself in my life, redefine my priorities, and just simply be. It seems simple but I was asking myself to picture a life without what, up until now, I had pictured to be my end goal, my life’s work, this dream. I felt it meant I would have worked for nothing and worst of all, I felt I would have nowhere to go and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew then and there that I was making the right decision, if I felt my entire life depended on this one choice, I not only was making the wrong choice, but I was also in the wrong mindset. I know now that just because I am good at something does not mean I have to pursue it or that it is guaranteed to make me happy by any means.

First, I set out to experience more of what life has to offer, explore paths I have always been curious about, and found that there it was. This other dream I had neglected that never had anything to do with a specific career, nor a person, not even a goal. It was as simple as a phrase, intentional-living. I won’t go into detail on the mental work I did, I believe it reflects itself in all my pieces of writing but nonetheless, it was worth it. I watched not just any door close, but the grand gateway to whose hinges I clung to my whole life. I clawed at the locked door, desperate to make myself fit into this archway I outgrew, this dream I no longer aligned with. 

Had I known the next part was coming I would have never left a single mark on that door, but this is part of the growth. I watched the true miracle that is, a door opening where there was only a wall. Possibilities I never believed myself worthy of, or those of which I would have never considered had that other door not opened. I opened the door and saw the vastness of opportunities that fully aligned with my true core beliefs and values. 

For so long I overlooked all the other things I enjoyed, the hobbies, the other things I may or may not have been good at. All this was in the pursuit of something that I was good at and enjoyed at one point, but no longer did. I was missing the grand scheme and it wasn’t until the universe took my pawns, my bishops, my knights, all the superficial pieces I placed my value in, that I had to dial in on my most important piece… and to that, I say “checkmate world, let’s see what you’ve got.”

My values have changed over time, as should all of our thoughts and principles. We cannot place our entire existence on the weight of dreams or opinions we had when we were far too young to understand them fully. Another thing is, that a dream or an opportunity may fit into our life in this season of it, but each season brings new fruit. I digress. 

I shared no specific details in this, not out of fear or of judgment but because even now I have multiple opportunities awaiting me. Many new paths to experience and I know not all will stick, nor will I be good at them all. For the first time in my life, I not only have time to try different things, I have the resilience to start again, the awareness to learn, the courage to fail, the bravery to lose, the heart to live, and the tenaciousness to keep going.

So no, the younger version of myself would not be proud of where I am, not because of her absolute superiority, or my lack of confidence. But out of naivety and idolatry. She would not fathom the entirety of what I am doing, what I am working towards, and all the beautiful experiences I am creating along the way. Ah, but she would be curious, and maybe, just maybe, if she knew, she would have believed in all these dreams too. 

In the end, I would rather the younger version of myself be disillusioned about a dream that didn’t happen, than for my current self to be disappointed about her life that is actually happening.