Fear of the water between breaths
You have been here before, you have found yourself on the precipice of this be-all-end-all feeling, you have arrived at this monumental moment, and maybe you have been here more than once.
You have seen this ocean before, maybe you saw it differently then but you are here again. This feeling suppresses all of those good plans you had before, all those moments where you thought about what you would do if you found yourself here again. But it feels different this time, doesn’t it?
You have the tools, the knowledge, and the experience of grief and healing. But now you lost your momentum, this wildfire spread before you even noticed the stench of seedlings scorching.
Last time you drifted this far from the shore you panicked and you fell off your boat, right? The more you tossed your limbs, the deeper you went, until you were submerged and everything went cold and dark, and you went rigid.
Well, you are here again, you find yourself further and further from the safe shoreline that has been your guiding point your whole life. I want you to think, to ponder one question, if only for a second, what if? What if for a second of your life, you don’t panic, you let this current take you somewhere? What if instead of fighting, you give in? Now let me be clear, I do not mean quit, I do not mean let yourself drown or be taken under by forces out of your control. I mean let yourself be surprised, let this feeling sit with you. This grief, this torment, this unshakable feeling that follows you into every room, that sits at the foot of the bed, that fills you at the most inopportune moments, that sits at the dinner table like an uninvited guest. Invite it in, sit with it, listen to it, let it tell you what it has seen, what it knows, and I promise you… it will not be what drowns you.
You know, deep down, you already know that the resistance is what drags you under. When you are met with change, with pain, with the doldrums, you have to listen. You are being asked to be quiet, to shut out everything else for a few minutes, and really listen. You are the only person who can cause yourself suffering and for someone who doesn’t want to drown, you find yourself under the current too often. In these times of worry or loss, you are being gifted the one thing that will lead you out of the darkness. You look everywhere else but you never thought to look inward. You must find solitude, there you will find retrospect and if you truly listen, you will find what you are looking for.
Oftentimes it is not a huge “aha” moment, but small steps towards a greater discovery. In the quiet, you find that your previous coping skills lead you right back to where you started. Revisit your priorities, your goals, and dreams, and if they no longer align with you, I mean truly align, then you have your answer. Some days it won’t be as simple as revisiting yourself. Some days you will have to meet yourself there, in the middle of that ocean, these will be the hardest but eventually the most rewarding.
Do not confuse staleness for stillness. You must begin to recognize how in the former, you are not growing, you are merely staying alive. In staleness, there is no growth, no power, no warmth, no resilience, no real living, and if you stay there you will witness its collapse, and you will be part of the ruin. In the latter, in stillness, there is quiet, but there is also renewal. In stillness, we fluctuate on a healthy balance of healing, quiet moments, beautiful moments bursting with life, and there will also be loss.
Did you think that once you reached this point, you would be free of all pain and loss? Stillness provides a space to process and to meet yourself at a point in which you are growing but you are not this entity in which nothing worldly or other may reach you. In stillness, you find peace, and in peace, you realize that the human condition was never meant to be separated from emotions we have deemed negative, such as grief, pain, shame, guilt, and remorse. In peace, you find that those emotions and every other feeling is necessary to grow and learn from.
Have you not wondered why you so often find yourself drifting from that shore you call home? Why you find yourself on this boat, desperate to get back to the commodity of placing your feet on solid land? Perhaps that is because that sacred land that for so long held you is no longer what is right for this moment in your life. Remember that you will require different ingredients to make you, you. We no longer need the same things we did when we were infants, yet there is one thing we share. This need for stability, for something to be continual, but there is no permanence in humans and you are not the exception. You cannot see it now but that land that felt comfortable once upon a time is now pulling you with it. It was once a resource for you to use and grow from until it started taking from you and you didn’t even know it. What is meant for you will not require you to purge and destroy yourself for it. This shaky ground is unhallowed and it will take everything, don’t let this starting point become more than what it has already been.
You must believe in your power to start again, this time you are not starting from scratch, your bones, your soul, your heart, and your mind know what to do, you must listen. It was instilled in you from the day you were born and it has been growing since, with every decision made, every leap, and lesson, all the gains and losses have led you here. Do you not see the power in that? You hold a world in the palm of your hand but it will not grow until you cease fire between the sides of you. Internal oppositions will become opportunities if you learn to redirect them.
The ocean is as beautiful as it is because it is whole and yet we know there is a darkness there. We know there is a vast unknown beyond the surface and yet we compare beauty to it, we write poetry on it, and we attempt to capture it with brush strokes.
So if you find your shorelines disintegrating before your eyes, allow that boat to take you far away, and remember the water closest to shore is rocky but it leads to stiller waters in the center of itself. You are not disconnecting from who you were, or anyone, or anything you must leave behind. You are just being reminded of who you really are and who you could be.
And isn’t it worth it, to allow yourself the chance to create that version and meet them, one wave at a time?
