The end of the world will be much darker
The world doesn’t stop for me, it doesn’t stop for you, and it sure as hell won’t stop for inconveniences.
The world didn’t end when I lost someone dear to me at too young an age. It didn’t halt when I dropped to my knees and begged for another way, made a pact with the devil, and sent one-way prayers to a god that I wasn’t even sure existed. And prayers only work if they are made with more than just intention.
The world didn’t end when the diagnoses came and so did the anxious thoughts. It’s hard to believe the world can go on when you’re stunted by unwavering worries or when they lead you to believe you won’t wake the next day. When you fear today is all you have or worse, believing it is a loved one’s last day.
The world didn’t end when I fell apart and school kept going, assignments went missing, and attendance started faulting. I watched friends move on and it hurt the most realizing they were not looking back for me. It hurts to realize the world doesn’t stop when you do and now you get to watch it in slow motion as you fall off the wagon.
The world didn’t end when that relationship did, or the next, or when that one didn’t even make it to being one. Though last summer I could’ve sworn the world did end, as I sat for months in endless torment over what could have been or where it went all wrong. It’s harder to accept the world doesn’t end when the door shuts on your heart, when your vignettes of love are shattered by the one who was meant to be in them, or when you realize dreams sometimes do not become more than that.
The world didn’t end when I outgrew goals or dreams I created when I was far too young to understand, though maybe in a way it did. Realizing the dream I was working towards no longer served a purpose in my life felt like my inner child’s world ended. But I see now that I cannot sustain another world when it would mean sacrificing my own, so I took my light and left. In a way that’s what it needed all along, this new world recognizes the previous one while upholding the changed values. The world didn’t end when I didn’t get into that one school, or when I lost that one friend, or when I grieved again, and again, and one more time.
And I’m glad it didn’t, I wouldn’t have the words to express myself and to sit here, not in pain, but in resilience writing this. And I certainly wouldn’t meet the version of myself I am now and get to watch her continue to evolve. Had I let that darkness consume me, I wouldn’t have had the chance to share my experience of the world and all that came with it.
I always remember when the world truly does end, the darkness in our minds won’t be able to reach the eternal blackness that will meet us. But until then, I will keep writing and greeting the beautiful opportunities that come with this life I have built and that continues to unfold right in front of my eyes.
